I really don't know how to say this any other way. My dog decided to talk to me the other night and he had a lot to say.
It initially played like any other night really. Once again Wholesale Marshawn Lynch Jersey , I was tossing and turning, in and out of sleep. I was half awake, mulling over my job situation: I want to make money writing but I need an income more. Then the most bizarre thing happened.
?Hey human Bob! This is your best friend speaking! Wake up!?
Who the hell was that? It was a deep, low voice; strong and certain with a hint of a bourbon induced slur. Sounded like Dean Martin actually. I immediately sat up. It was pitch black. The radio clock blurred 3:53 in a dull crimson light. All I could make out was the shadowy outline of Parker, my trusty beagle Wholesale Karl Joseph Jersey , sitting upright at my feet.
?Hey boy, did you hear that?? I whispered instinctively. ?Someone's in the house.?
My vision was starting to warm up to the darkness. Parker just stared back at me, his head tilted, his long ears hanging to the side of his head like hand towels on a wall. He turned his head to the bedroom doorway, lifted his nose to the night and sniffed. He turned back to face me.
?Don't think so.?
I swore Parker spoke but it couldn't be. I mean his hound drawn lips seemed to move to the words I heard but that was impossible.
?Who's there?? I yelled into the night. ?Whoever it is Wholesale Eddie Vanderdoes Jersey , I am warning you that I am at this moment retrieving my loaded double-barrel twelve gauge from under the bed. I will shoot you. So leave now and I want to hear the door slam behind you.?
I made some dumb noises in a lame attempt to fool the intruder into believing what I had just proclaimed. I took the ruse to the next level.
?Okay. I'm fully armed and about to call 911 from my fully powered cell phone. Oh yeah, strong signal, four bars. Oh yeah, this is going to be a very clear 911 call.?
?You're breaking me up. Put the phone down human Bob.?
It was Parker talking. I was certain of it. Nah, it had to be a sick trick.
My brother Steve was known to go to great lengths to pull off pranks. But I was pretty sure he was at his apartment in the city, sixty miles away, God knows doing what, and at 48 years old, unlikely to suddenly bother me with a prank?it had been 25 years since his last one. But the mind scrambles to the most implausible scenarios when so duly challenged.
I was positive he spoke again. By now I was sitting straight up, leaning towards him. He just sat there and looked at me with those big dark eyes. His poker face was on.
?Parker? Are you talking to me??
?Well I'm not talking to myself.?
I leaned back against the headboard. He yawned.
?This can't be. I've got to stop watching Animal Planet.?
?Listen, I've got something to say and I'm not sure how long this talking stuff is going to work so ??
?You are talking!? I interrupted incredulously.
?Should you want I bow wow??
?Holy cow! Parker you are talking.?
?Yup. But I'm not sure for how long. So can I say a few things before ??
?I can't believe this.?
?Yeah I know. Either can I but if you don't mind.?
I looked at him with a giant smile plastered across my face. Parker can talk. The dog was talking. Who was I kidding? It had to be a prank. He continued.
?I've been listening to a lot of that talk radio and that C-SPAN channel you watch while you write. I'm here to tell ya I don't like what I'm hearing.?
?You're kidding me right??
?Afraid not.?
Oh this was good. I was really hallucinating. Talk-shmalk, I had a few nagging questions of my own.
?You like smell things a hundred times more than we do, right??
?Four hundred.?
?Okay, four hundred. Wow! Then I really wonder about this.?
?Yeah I know. Why do we like to sniff every morsel of excrement or yellow patch of urine we encounter on our walks??
?Now that you bring it up, yeah, why? It must smell like the inside of Dick Cheney's or Ted Kennedy's septic tank? And you know how much crap they're filled with.?
?That was a funny one human Bob. But it isn't like what you smell. We pick up a lot more notes. It's a broader pallet if you will. We don't smell stink. We smell identity Wholesale Jared Cook Jersey , mood, and illness. For instance, you know that crazy cairn terrier down the street??
?Yeah.?
?She has stomach cancer and her humans don't have a clue.?
?You are kidding me??
?She probably has less than six months if they don't get her to a vet soon.? He paused to lick his right front paw. ?Yeah, and another thing. Don't take me out at nights for awhile.?
?Why??
?Cause there is a rabid possum living under the porch. That's why.?
?You know this from the smell of possum poop??
?Excrement.?
?Whatever.?
?Yup.? Parker yawned as if bored. ?So is that it? Can I say what I need to say??
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